Insert Man/Woman
It's 9pm on Monday night and I'm fuggin furious. I had an opportunity to play the character Reesy in Lo's books. One of my closest female friends just called me whining about a fuggin dude that she shouldn't be seeing anyway. I'm not about to put all of her business in the street, but "legally" she isn't available to be dating.
So here's the reason I'm so pissed. I can't stand to see women (especially my friends) get dogged out by a punk ass dude. Catch them with another woman, then make up excuses about why it was acceptable...that time (i.e: the drive-by, "you get what you deserved" speech, or some bullshit like that).
I feel that this blog would be tooooo long to express my deep thoughts about this situation.
I just wanted to share this because some reader may be dealing with a similar situation...male or female!!! That is, please don't just be in love with the idea of being in love. It's so easy to be in a place where you feel like you're ready to be involved and then do the simple thing---Insert Man/Woman into your life and give them the position that they neither earned nor asked to be in. We are doing a disservice to ourselves and the recipient of emotions that they had no idea were being directed at them.
Protect yourself and by all means...define the relationship early and often. Beware of the non-relationship relationship. Either way, both parties lose.
It's just not fair to insert a person into your mix without their consent and then hold them accountable by projecting your feelings onto them. No person should be in a relationship all by themselves, but it happens all too often.
Here's my question: if you had a friend who is habitually guilty of doing the same things in their relationships that always leads to ruin, do you tell them or do you just give them the kleenex and wait for the next round of tears to flow?
Anyone up for comment?
42 comments:
Good post DC. I have learned tread carefully. The saying: "You cannot tell a person in love anything," is so true. I tried that with one person and got cut up. SMH.
It really depends on the friendship and also if the person will actually be receptive. I have had to sit back and watch some people go through it and not say a thing.
Really think about it no matter how much you care and don't want a person to go through some things, sometimes they still just have to go through them. Lessons can be a hard and a bitch for some.
ok I have a Question, what if you knew something about someone, and they did not want to reveal who they are truly to a new "Potiential" lover? I mean this is a breaker of a conversation that the two of them would have to really discuss at some point in the relationship if they are really in love right? Understanding that they (We all) can learn for our mistakes, however if they are less honest about their past how can they really move forward postive right? help me out here.
anon. I'm not sure if I really understand what you're trying to say, but I'll try to answer it as best I can.
If you knew something and you weren't invited into the business, then my advice would be to stay out of the way.
People reveal things at different times and if you are not asked to participate in the discussion, why involve yourself? Would there be an alternative reason as to why someone would interject? Too much grey area...
Now if that wasn't correct and the question was about you catching a person in a lie that is dealing with you. Give them an opportunity to tell you whatever it is. Sometimes people have done things that they aren't too proud of and don't want to scare off a person before they get an opportunity to get to know them for who they are and not what they may have done in their past.
I hope I answered it properly. I was pretty confused about what the question really was...sorry.
I don't consider myself an authority on these issues..so my real advice would be to seek the answers from God. He will direct your path and instruct you what to do. He is the one that can give you a clean heart. He is the one that will give you discernment, if you ask it in Jesus' name.
Pray and ask God to lead you...that's my advice to any and all of you.
TELL THEM! (damnit I wish someone had told me LOL!) Even if that friend doesn't want to hear what you're saying, it's GAURANTEED that he/she is going to repeat it to another "friend" who will then reiterate that they have the same perception. Example...
The husband of my best friend literally tried to f*ck me. Caught me alone in a hallway, grabbed & groped me, and told me it was cool, she would never have to know...HE HAD ME F*CKED UP! I told my girl what happened, his response was "it wasn't like that...", never denied it & while she said she didn't know who to believe, she decided to stay with him. Went to work the next week & told a co-worker, who inturn told her he had done the same with her, and so on and so on...needless to say they are no longer married.
My point is...if I had kept my mouth closed, the truth would probably have never come out...and I'm glad I bustin the MF! (oooh, sorry! Got caught up LOL)
Good post DC!
It's according to how close I am to them. My sister or best friends...I'D TELL THEM. Someone I wasn't invested in emotionally...stay out of it.
I was gonna link to your post...but you know how I feel about the "N" word.
:)
Hey DC,
Okay!!! You're 2 for 2 on the non-Cav's post. ~*Tearing up cause I'm so proud of you*~ LOL!
Seriously though. This is another great post. I think that I would try to warn my friend if they were acting foolish. But Shai is right. You can't tell a person in love anything. I learned that the hard way, and ended up getting my feelings hurt in the process. I'll always give it ONE honest shot. What that person does with the information is their own business. I'm learning that I can only live my life.
And as far as Anon's question goes...If it were something serious like, I knew that a friend had AID's & bad intentions, and was just trying to smut someone....I would definately ring the alarm. My conscience would eat me up if I didn't.
!!!!!!!!!GO CAVS!!!!!!!!!!
~*praying that this comment will post on the first attempt*~
Peace
OMG! It actually went through. And on the 1st attempt. LOL! Is it because I threw in that "GO CAV'S"?
Let me find out that Blogger is owned and opperated by Cav fans ;)
fab post dc.. and I've been there.. and I'm glad that my mother, sister and my girls even my boys LEFT me to learn the lessons I did.. because I wouldn't be the way I am now.. I spot issues quicker and although some I feel can be worked out.. I'm ok with WALKING AWAY for ME..
Hey, I've been meaning to ask. What's on "The Lo Zone" that my computer wont let me see.
I've lost a best friend because i tried to "pull her coat" to her man's shenanigans & "love" wouldn't let her see my word over his. But now that they're divorced she wants to "puke" & "vent" to me - I'm not hearing it...i no longer listen to grown folx BULL SHIT.
Now, I figure like Bernie Mac said, "u old enough to talk back, u old enuf to get hit in the throat." I let grown folk get "hit in the throat" emotionally on their own...
And to quote another favorite comedian, Katt Wms: "...b8%ch, it's called SELF-esteem."
Adults need to stop lying to THEMSELVES!
Oooooh, this is betta than the daytime soaps on the telly... (;-P
good morning ya'll...wow what excellent feedback on this post.
@kiki: I can feel your anger in your comment. I have heard that happens more than a little bit. I don't know why dudes think that tryin to hit on their woman's friends/family won't cause major conflict. I'm glad things worked out better in your situation and it could be validated by other people. often it doesn't work like that and the man/woman thinks that their friend is diggin on their mate and wants to hate on the relationship....how sad and stupid...but that happens too though.
@nic: I dont knw what's on there to keep you from looking at it. sorry...
@Creole: thanks for the thought. I'm still a bad boy and I watch Dave Chapelle too much to rid myslef of the "n"word...smile. In response to your comment though, it's tough to know when to say when. Last night I was so pissed I was ready to pop a cork. today i'm totally straight.
bkln diva: Thanks for your honesty and the good news that the lessons learned made you the wonderful person that you are today.
Cap: wow, do I sense some hostility from you about this post? Most of the time I feel the same as you do about self esteem. on occasion the softer side of me takes over and I fall victim to the song and dance that I know is coming over and over again.
excellent comments!!!!
lol...lance. you trippin, dude. it's not better. those things are fake, these are everyday situations. shame on you for making light of it, lance.
im tellin on you
yea, DC - u can say i'm just tired of the whining that too many "victims" cry all the time. i was moved to post about it myself today...cuz i've been hearing more than my share here lately. LOL! don't know why people keep coming to me:-)
man...people just have to wake up-smell the toast buring and then put the fire out. lol...just crazy.
I'm guilty of falling prey to situations where I was stuck like chuck.
on atleast one instance i was told that the woman was a skank b*tch...I fell out with that homeboy only to have him tell me when it was revealed that she wasn't how badly he felt about trying to project his feelings onto me.
conversely, I was a dirty bastard to a few women and when their friends told them what they thought about me...she fell out with them only to have to hear the "i told you so's".
it's a 50/50 gamble every time...I certainly am just going to be shutting up and letting the chips fall where they may from here on out.
thanks ya'll
This is GREAT! first time in your house and i want to pull up a chair and sit down and relax...
I love the part about "people are in love with the idea of being in love" that right there is what it is really all about...i think the song by Frankie (hometown R&B singer) wait a while says it all, don't want to make the same mistakes you made before...
like take your time, its ok if the man/woman isn't 100% perfect, no one is...so dealing with flaws is one thing, but dealing with straigh up disrepect is a total nother topic...
life is to short to settle...so i refuse to, just so that i won't be alone...and although my relationship isn't always roses and sunshine, at the end of the day i am happy...like truly and that's all that matters
GREAT post!
This is an excellent post. Something slightly akin to this interjected itself into my world fairly recently with the person being grossly misinformed, operating off of less-than-half data and admitting so after the fact, offering endless, handwringing apologies all around, but only after spreading potentially damaging, self-righteous claims first to anyone who'd listen. Sadly, that person is a former friend. It was a tragic case of them shooting first and asking questions later. People like that, despite their supposed claims at having good intentions, are arrogant and dangerous. If you really care about a friend and think they're in harm's way, have your facts straight first on all counts.
But that was a different scenario. This post involves someone who is what I like to call a "serial dater"---someone who does the same thing over and over again expecting different results, who runs to you each time when things go awry and wants to play victim and get compassion. The first couple of times it's all love, until I realize it's a pattern. Then I give them a good telling off. After that, it's crickets. We can talk about anything but their relationships. To do so would make me an enabler, and I'm anything but that.
@Nic: I wonder if it's because the word "rapist" is in my blog post today that you can't see it. Or maybe it's because there are pics of my boy dog looking at my girl dog's peeper. She's in heat.
welcome t.c. i love the initials...as you can tell..
thans for stopping by. I'm glad you feel at ease here. sometimes it gets a little edgy but like you say at the end of the day, we can all say have a good night and we'll see ya soon.
feel free to come back anytime and know that your comments(whether you agree or disagree) are always welcome in this house.
Peace.
lo..your comment is both refreshing and rings with truth about "How to deal" with folks that are serial daters.
I think that my friend...whom you know...has used up all the credit they have with me when it comes to the sob stories about emotionally abusive dudes.
thanks, dear.
well I posted the previous anonymous ?, and I just was curious on thoughts about having true facts *public facts* about someone past perhaps a straight line would be walked going forward I believe in truth and honest will ensure a proper relationship. However we are living in a "New" generation where folks see only skin deep and move on those intention rather than a persons past knowing whether or not they are a changed person.
My only concern is this when it comes to true LOVE, if I had known that lets just say for the record a man/women had a past dealing with messing with children would I welcome them around mines? if I had of known about that prior 10 yr conviction of stealing cars would I be as comfortable in riding in one with 30 day tags on it with him/her? or if he was distant from family would he be close to mines or want me to be close to mines? so yes my ? was centered around being honest, then you would know what is true love.
As far as having a friend that has issue with their better half, hey whether you tell or do not tell the decision remains the same "All skeletons in someone closet will be revealed, so as the one post stated "Let the Chips fall where they may" but if I felt like a true friend, I would voice my concern and listen from that point on....
Signed
Anonymous
PS That was an awesome post!
anon...I appreciate the question and the follow up reply. I hope that both my answeres and the answers of the readers/commentors helped in some way.
I wish you the absolute best in everything that you do.
Keep comin back around, too.
wow. great post dc. tc sent me your link today and i really wasn't expecting to have to think this hard today. ;-)
so to answer your question..."if you had a friend who is habitually guilty of doing the same things in their relationships that always leads to ruin, do you tell them or do you just give them the kleenex and wait for the next round of tears to flow?" umm... this is weird because you're really causing me to look at myself right now. i have a friend who never seems to get it right. i usually just do the latter (hand them a kleenex and wait for the next round), but you're making me think that i shouldn't do that anymore. but how do you tell a friend that their relationships are failing because of them? i guess that's what being a real friend is about huh?... that take guts.
hmm... i may react differently to my friend next time because of this post. we shall see...
thanks for writing this.
I see a whollllle lot of people reading off in the background...I'd love to hear from you with a comment..
wow...special shout out goes to CreoleinDC for the link love!
Come on out of the shadows, ladies and be heard. We don't bite unless it's potluck friday sometimes...smile!!
You seem to be way beyond your age(smile). I just got on to your blog by chance but I shall be stopping by often.I usually leave people to find out their own stuff,us women or I should say I have sixth sense and disernment which I make sure I pay attention to and I have not been proven wrong once.
thank you for stopping by...I appreciate the compliment...those are always nice to get...smile.
welcome ja stu...come on back anytime...I'll leave the light on for ya too
You are most welcome,I am always reading blogs so I am on all the time so I am looking forward to read all your blogs(smile)
You need to read what I wrote on your" THE NEW DAWN"post well?
YES - i definitely have a comment for this! Get your friends to read the book "lies at the alter." a co-worker gave this to me and seriously - it is deeeeeeeeep. i didn't believe it would be, but it is!
anyway -i've missed being around :( excellent article!
"Protect yourself and by all means...define the relationship early and often. Beware of the non-relationship relationship. Either way, both parties lose."
mark bey: Yo DC excellent post I read this post earlier and I didnt know what to say. But let me say that respect is paramount. You should always let the person know exactly what you expect from them.
Also I believe a lot of cheating and other disrespect would not occur if people just accepted each other for who they are and not what you might want that person to be.
lol@ja stu...(smile). well since your always online be sure to keep coming around especially on fridays.
@dc savvy: hey girllll where ya been? how you doing? welcome back to the bee hive.
Mark: this post was killing me last night, brotha. I was frustrated, angry and hurt. I ran the full range of emotions.
Defining the relationship early and often is definitely paramount. I couldn't agree more with you Mark.
wow...I hope ya'll like the post tomorrow too.
DC... you are such a great guy! I'm just saying...
I go with the idea that truth wins out...
The more we can live in truth the better we live.
Part of being a great friend is holding truth, being honest, and supporting the goodness inside of each other.
Living in darkness, deceit, and destruction does no one any good!
GREAT post DC! :-)
JJ
awww...thanks Jen.
You already know that I see you as a champion of the people. women and men alike.
It's always a pleasure to see you drop by.
and like you said before, you can always get a laugh outta my blogs. smile!!
Jennifer, he really is a great guy and an excellent friend to those in his life. He repeatedly meets (and exceeds) the positive criteria I've read on your wonderful blog.
Lucky me!
fabulous post dc! and i couldn't agree more!
what's missing? love for self! only someone who doesn't love themself puts themself in such situations...period...fall in love with yourself first! then love for someone else will come...
thanks so much for stopping by my blog today and leaving a comment...hope you'll stop by again!
heyyyyyyyyyyy...thanks, babe. what a wonderful thing to say. I'm getting all teary ova heah...stop it, LO.
welcome Lisa Q.--it was a pleasure to stop by. Cap sent me the lin kand I went and had a great time reading the blog. I'll certainly be back and check you out on the regular.
it is cool to have this kind of feedback on this post. I don't think I ever wrote anything being that angry before. I hope that I don't have to feel like that to get my true feelings out.
all of you are sincerely appreciated.
DC...first of all, let me apologize for lurking...
*(spitting out water)* I have been that girl you are speaking on and I have been the one holding out the kleenex box...in the instance that I was the "DUMMY" there was nothing anybody could have done or said to keep me from doing whatever it is that I was doing..(cuz I'm hard headed like that...) The thing that always helps me when I am the one "holding" the kleenex box and trying to be supportive is to always reflect on how I felt during my times of realization...the times when I finally got that I was being dumb and just needed to hear a comforting word or two or I just didnt need to hear the I told you so speech or, to be cut off...It caused me to be totally honest and show compassion and not be so quick to say "DAMMIT her azz is dumb" especially if that person is close to me...so what I am saying is, If I have TRUE emotions invested then yes... I would tell them, I would be honest, but I would continue to be there for them no matter what!!! You just never know when you may need the same type of support...
If you ask me my opinion... be prepared for what I am going to say...good or bad.
If you don't ask for my opinion...then my usual response is ... "you said all that to say what? Because you've told me this story before with the last 5 dudes/chicks you were with."
I'm not harsh...but I am blunt....secretly...lol
Excellent post! I think sometimes it's best to mind our own business and hand them the kleenex, but when you see them about to do something that is absolutely detrimental, I think you have to say something. I always tell my friends to tell me. I let them know that I will probably get mad as hell at that moment, but maybe something they say will shake some sense into me.
heyyyy chokkk, blah blah blah, and sugar....glad you all enjoyed the post.
and the comments were definitely on point.
kudos to all of your for coming in and participating on the post. yayyyy
speak on it!!!!!!
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