I Pleads the fifffffffffffth!
I am plagued with the duty of bringing yet another controversial topic to the family....smile!
I really am torn apart when it comes to this query that I am going to share with ya'll. I have found myself in the hot seat. Why do you ask? I'll tell you.
Have you ever had someone ask you a question and the answer to that question would have fuc***d them up if you told them the truth? You knew in your heart of hearts that they couldn't handle it, so you decided to lie instead. I'm forced to recall a situation with a friend of mine regarding a woman that the was dating. My friend asked me (in an approval seeking manner) how I thought his girlfriend looked to me. Now in reality, she was ugly as hell to me and I really didn't think that was going to work so I said she was fine and that he was lucky to get her. He smiled and agreed saying "yeah I was". Since I know that ni99a doesn't read blogs, I'm cool with sharing this topic. I was also forced to lie about my ex wife's cooking once or twice. Was telling her, "naw baby, that wasn't really too good" going to work out the next time i rubbed up against her trying to get some action....um...NOOOOOO! So I lied about it. Since my oldest son reads my blogs, I can't share too much about at the house, but sure...I may have embellished a few things to challenge him to do better.
Now before ya'll start thinking that I'm a dirty, rotten, lying bastard...let me spin this to another situation. I had a friend...very good friend in the hospital and the prognosis really wasn't going to be good and I was made privvy to it by his mother...should I have said "look dawg, you're pretty much fu***d up'? What would that have done to his hope?
Let's consider this question and put it to the campfire...If telling the truth will cause harm, physical pain, or endanger others..what would you do?
Though I mostly got my way out of it...I have been asked about cheating boyfriends/girlfriends, did I have sex with so and so, do you think any of my girlfriends attractive, who was the person that I said hello to...(damn I had alot of cousins)..hahahahahah when I couldn't get out of it...and a few unmentionables.
The serious question is...when is "OK" to tell a lie and not be punished for it? If I tell a lie to help someone, does that make me good? Better yet, If i tell a lie to get what I want ie:BOOTY...does that make me bad?
Let's kick this around to find out...exactly when it socially acceptable to bust off with a lie and why is there double standards about it? Or, should we just use our constitutional right and pleade the 5th amendment?...LOL
Let's hear about it!!
45 comments:
I am honored to be among the first to put in my twenty five cents on the subject. Many persons live by the doctrine "the ends justify the means" and lying to manipulate the outcome (i.e. spare his or her feelings, brighten his or her day,get the booty, making a person feel better,) really is what it is-a self serving manipulation. The other person is not truly helped by the intervention. On the other hand the person lying feels less responsible, accountable, guilty, embarassed, etc. The person that most benefits is the liar. Althought this may come off a bit self righteous, it's what I believe and I am certainly not perfect but I strive to do what is right.
"If you can't say something nice or the truth did don't say nothin'"-patience is not the only virtue-so is silence.
Dr. Girlfriend is so right...it's a cop-out. My biggest pet peeve is a liar, even if it's done with the intent of sparing my feelings. All your actually doing is keeping from me something that I (probably) will find out about eventually; generating mistrust and lack of respect for you for not being man/woman enough to tell me the truth from the beginning.
Plus, it sounds like your kind of confusing truthfulness with meanesss. You can be truthful & let your boy know that his women's not that fine without being mean about it and hurting his feelings. Instead of saying "Man, your girl is jacked-up!" you say "She's not the finest woman I've seen you with, but she seems cool, and if that makes you happy, go for it!"
See...I think it all comes down to the verbage you use.
Personally, I would rather hear the truth, in ALL things. Even if the truth is bad news. Nothing good comes of lies, other than a temporary lightening of spirits.
damn...i knew I should have kept this blog to myself.
ya'll making me feel bad..surprisingly enough though..I have heard of women telling their girlfriends that something matches(when it really doesn't) when they are goin out...so that one of them gets more attention than the others.
I take offense to the cop out theory and have heard directly from a woman very very recently when a woman asks a man a question...that ya'll don't want to hear the truth all the time...sometimes ya'll just want to hear somethng to make you feel good....
now comment on that!! Im kinda pissed off!!
I have a hard time lying. So in cases where i don't want to tell the truth for fear of anything...i do as Dr. Girlfriend spoke so eloquently about, i say nothing at all, or in other words "plead the fifth."
DC, what you gettin mad about? Would you rather we LIE to you.lmao.
And any woman who would rather be lied to than hear the truth is someone who doesnt want to face the truth about themselves and need that lie to validate who they are.
Just my opinion.
I agree with the Doc and Kiki. I know alot of men think women don't want to hear the truth. Yeah, it hurts to hear the truth. What is worse is finding out you were lied to and then find the real truth. That is a double-edged sword.
I think alot of folks who lie to protect themselves in relationships are cowards. I had a guy lie by omission when he did not tell me he was getting married. I found out by someone else. See that smarted then when I talked to him he was mean.
Tell the truth. And what makes the liar so much better than the liee(is that a word, LOL) It is like my feelings are more important than yours so let me lie to you to protect myself. It is not about protecting the person who you are lying to.
Yeah, we women want to hear good things. But you know what as I have grown and matured, go ahead and tell me the truth. Being in denial or having smoke blown up my azz is worse than getting the truth, getting over it and moving on.
Kiki, great second post.
I don't know a single woman, who has said, "I want my man to lie to me." But more power to those who do.
personally..i think some of you are being less than open about certain situations....thats just my opinion.
it's not like women and men relationships are the only ones that i referenced in my blog..
But hey...ill be the bad guy...KIKI, man...wait til i see you..I may just come around the corner and throw a snowball at your a$$....today!!!
Ok...I have no other comment other than, I appreciate your comments.
f**k thaT....YOU MEAN TO TELL ME...IF HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING OF COURSE, I WAS ASKED "DID WE BREAK UP BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT I SAID OR DID" KNOWING FULL WELL THAT TELLING THIS PERSON THAT THEY WERE A HORRIBLE LOVER, HAD POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS, HAD NO LIFE GOALS AND WAS BORING AS HELL AFTER WE GOT TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE...ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE THAT AS THE TRUTH...THAT I'D BE DOING HER A FAVOR? MAN..YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT...STRAIGHT UP!!
DON'T TELL ME THAT! YA'LL WOULD WANT TO HEA RTHE SUGAR COATED RESPONSE LIKE.."NAH..IT WAS ME OR I JUST WASN'T READY" SOMETHING TO THA TEFECT..WHICH WOULD HAVE IN FACT BEEN A FU****G LIE!
ANY TAKERS ON THAT POINT?
SINCE EVERYONE IN HERE IS SO FORTHCOMING...
If i can't keep it one hunnit I keep it to myself... but thats cause my mental hardrive is filled with too many trivial things to be clutttered with lies I have to keep in ordeer just in case Im quizzed .
Now see, I've been trying to play nice, but I see ya'll determined to make me act up today!
HELL NAH I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT "IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME" BULLSHIT. IF MY SHIT IS F*CKED UP, LET A SISTAH KNOW; IF YOU DONT HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CORRECT WHATEVER THE PROBLEM IS? Then ya'll want to know why women are out here all bitter & sh*t; wondering why they cant keep a man (not that I have this problem.lol); always blaming the other man because noone bothered to tell her the truth about herself.
Lawd Have Mercy! I'm gonna pass out from all the exhaling I'm doing today.
hi five to Kiki! How can you fix something someone else believes is ragedy, if you think it's ok?
hang in there homey....the lanceman to the rescue!
** STOP ALL YOU CHICK'N HEADZ!!! **
it all depends on the siss-ashun...
if it's ya boy and his "mugly" lookin' girl...just say "she aiiight" or the ever-lovin' default quote "she's good people"...cause you know ya boy will fugg you up on the realist....especially if she's fine..he's throwing bullshit comments at you to "see" how you react, watching you lookin' at her ass. that's on the real.
wif women, you can't win...if you tell them the truth or lie, they ain't gonna believe you anyway and do the damn thing...days, hours, hell, minutes later...there callin' back on "boo-hoo" time. tried to tell them, wouldn't listen.
in the case of one's bad health, best to keep that information to yourself, unless they know and want to make peace with you in understanding. provide as much hope and faith in believing in that hope.
okay, ladies...you may fire when ready! (;-P
granted i'm leaving this comment after simply skimming this post & its comments, but I gotta run to a yoga class. But I wanted to ask DC - if u were NOT well endowed would U REALLY want a sistah to tell u her honest thoughts (THAT's IT?). Like CG - when I can't say the truth I say nothing.
i'll be back in on this one later! this seems like a good one!
Everbody lies somtime! That's the truth! But if I ask a pointed question don't lie about that.
Lie to me, baby.
There is a difference between honesty and brutal honesty. If my girl finds a guy cute and asked do I, then I will say, "He is not my type, we all have different tastes." It is still honest and I am not lying about if he is cute or not.
I think when people use lying as a security measure it fuggs things up. To me all this gaming and lying and what not especially in relationships fuggs up the alright tense female/male relations.
Dang Son! This thing is jumping. Sorry I didn't get in here earlier.
Ok ladies, lets face it, y'all can't handle the truth.
I don't like you, cause your loving is whack, no matter how I smack it, and flip it, it just ain't working.
You are too damn clingy. Can I have a moment to breath without you being all up in my space.
No I don't love you, I just like boning you. Besides we just met yesterday.
Yes, you are looking fat, you knew that when you asked me. You ain't pushed that plate back in weeks.
I could go on and on. I could also say this in a nice way, but it wouldn't matter, cause you would read through the lines and start that crying game crap.
In intimate relationships, it's extremely hard to be real honest. I put forth major effort with my wife, because I made that lifetime commitment.
I've tried with friends and sometimes it puts a damper on the relationship, even if they act like they can take it. Things are just different afterwards you can feel it.
That's my two cents.
What kind of women are ya'll messing with???
If you tell me my lovin is wack and theres no way to fix it, then I move on to someone who's a better fit. Cause I wont hesitate to tell you if I feel the same (have done it on plenty occasions). I can dish it out...I can take it!
If you want space...say so damnit and I'll take 3 steps back.
All you want to do is bone...guess what me, too. Hell, that's how some of my best relationships got started.
We dont get upset because men tell the truth. We get upset because you tell us the truth after you've repeatedly lied (and have been caught).
Lay it on the line up front and see what happens, you might be surprised.
LOL. Clingy. Negroes do the same. I don't want jump off and males against females. LOL. Let's be real we are adults and life ain't no crystal stair. Man up and quit tripping. LOL. Shit,now that I have gotten older I want my space too. Don't be coming over for a hot meal and sex and think that I want to all the time. LOL. Peace.
Go Shai! Go Kiki! Sorry DC, can't help myself! Sistahs dished tonight! (lol)
Rich: if i ask you if i'm fat you would lie to me?
OK what about this: if your man ain't hittin' it right, and you tell him-first thing yall do is try to flip the blame to the woman.
Secondly women can handle more than men may think. Its all in the delivery. Male or Female will not allow themselves to be disgraced and not retaliate.
Thirdly, if you have to lie to protect the heart....protect the heart. experience defines a lie to be Love.
Whoa buddy - DC u done started it wit THIS one! Now that I've had a chance to really read closely, whew!
My take on the truth variations:
1)regarding illness/drs 'final decree' - i think it's best to give the individual hope & prayer because I do believe that drs are HUMAN & not always right. I have a 30 yr. old cousin who wasn't supposed to live beyond 12 because she was born w/ a hole in her heart & rack of other health issues.
2)the male/female relational thang - always depends...i never tell a friend i don't like her man if he's a loser or tried to hit on me - she'll think i'm a hater. i've learned that they discover it on their own eventually. AGAIN, i'm a FIRM believer that we KNOW when we're really being lied to.
I will share that it was VERY cool when a Brother I was dating last year had the testicular fortitude and DIGNITY to tell me he'd found a woman he was interested in pursuing as a life-mate, but wanted to remain connected to me. Initially, my ego was bruised - but I knew he and I were just putting in time, enjoying hanging out with each other. We have remained friends (u know i've always got possible biz partnerships in back of mind;-) & I'm even friendly w/ his woman.
I've learned that sometimes there's nothing a Brother CAN tell us - because we just no longer 'click'. There's nothing necessarily for us to improve on - we just were not the match that was meant to be. Tha's why I don't tell Brothers they're not rocking MY world...i just gather my things, get to steppin' & hope some virginal sistah will enjoy his uh...offerings.
Let me first thank california dove for keeping it real and stepping up to the plate. You Go girl...and Saadia too...thanks MF!
Secondly, let me take you back to the ORIGINAL question in my post...of what would you do?...I left some examples of situations tha I am both privvy to and have been exposed to in the past.
It seems as though the context of the actual blog was lost in the heated feverish debate over men lying to women in their respective relationships.
I used an example of a friend of mine(male), my son(to protect his feelings) and my wife as my primary subjects. The lying to the other gender was added in differently than the comments in this post suggested.
I'm not going to name any specific names...but ya'll lost the subject matter at hand. That is...If you would tell someone the truth at all costs, whether it deeply hurt them or not. Everyone can say, treat others the way you want to be treated but it just isn't always that simple.
Since this eventually turned into a gender biased commenting session, let me leave you ladies with these question...
1. Have you ever made love to your husband/signifacnt other and he wasn't really hittin it for you...then he asked you if you enjoyed it and you said yes...what did you just do...LIE !!!
2. Have you ever faked cumming or when asked by your partner.."did you cum" and you say yes...but in fact..you didn't..what did you do?...LIE
3. Did you ever tell your kids about the fucking tooth fairy coming to put money under thier pillows
4. Did you ever tell your kids that Santa Claus brought them fucking toys for Christmas?
5. Have you ever told your friends about a guy that kicked your ass and you swore that you would never see him again, but you got back together with him and told everyone else that you weren't seeing him?
If the answer to any of these comments was yes, then you are no different or better than me.
Thanks for the comments....oh and think about it for a second too
lol...thanks Capcity...I was typing when you posted this comment..
Very well timed...like a minute apart and your comment was exactly what I was looking for....
Cortney...GRRRRRRRR!! we boys though!!
Rich and lance...good looking out!
Chocolate Brothers Unite!!!
LOL
DC. We cool & all, but I just cant feel you on this one. Lying just is not acceptable. Regsardless of the relationship or gender, its not what you say its how you say it.
No. I have never faked an orgasm. If your not hittin my spot. I'll be the first one to let you know and then make a suggestion on how to correct the problem. And if that dont work...get yo ass off me...wasting my damn time when I could be doin other sh*t!
My son just had a tooth fall out this week. I told him we have to put the tooth under his pillow because that night someone very special was going to leave him some money for it. That someone special...Me!
I've never told my kids about Santa Clause. They're with me every X-mas when I buy their clothes & toys. They found out about him from the mall & their friends at school. I spend to much money to contribute it to some fat man in a red suit.
No. You dont tell your friend or family member in the hospital that their shit is f*cked up & probably gonna die. You say "The doctor says things dont look good, but we're gonna pray on it because you know through Him all things are possible. Because like Cap said, Dr's arent alway right.
I'm a realist. And some people may think that I'm depriving my kids of childhood experiences, but I'm a single mother trying to raise two kids to be HONEST good men. I will not lead by example by lying to them, my family, man, or friends (no matter what the circumstance).
Maybe my thinking is messed up, but, hey, I am who I am. And I am not a liar.
Also not saying Im better than anyone else. But apparently, different.
Regarding santa, tooth fairy,etc. I knew no white man or li'l ho in a fairy suit was gonna bring me SHYT! LOL! I do remember lying to my mother when i was about 8 when she asked if I believed in santa - cuz i thought she wanted me to. LOL!
Sistah Kiki - thank u in advance for raising honest Black children who don't believe in all that BS that had us crazy back then. As hard as our parents work to make our lives & special occasions as grand as they could - why give some "strange" nobody the credit?
Thanks for having my back, sistah cap!
dang. I missed all this???
DC, I don't agree with everything you said. There is a way to tell the truth without hurting someone. There are tactful ways to answer questions. And then again establishing communication to where some situations won't be so sticky.
Yes, we went gender on you. YOU used an example that was based on relationships. YOU mentioned about lying to women so of course it sparked this debate.
All I can say is you pay a price when you lie.
And no one is a saint. That does not mean to condone something that is harmful.
look here Shai...I mentioned lying to women about potentially getting some ass...which of course women lie about giving up ass too....or to my ex wife about her cooking...which really didn't harm anyone...ever! so where you're coming out of some bag..i just dont get anyway. Not too mention, "People"...not just men pay a price when they tell the truth, lie or plead the 5th...
Ya'll killing me with that man shit!
Since you don't actually know me, I can't expect you to understand the perspective I may be coming from..in truth..this whole post was simply to open the awareness of the socially acceptable situations with respect to lying.
I used examples from both sides of the fence and yeah if "YOU" directly did some of the last examples that I put out there, then YOU are a liar as well.
On the real, I know far more dirty shit that women lie to men about on the daily..but I didnt bring that out..
This blog was based on alllllll relationships. Now if you all want to go all high and mighty, when you know in your heart of hearts that some lie has been spoken..regardless of the situation..then go ahead. I would never know.
If you have never told an adult lie, nothing in this blog applies to you..but if you have...and you're pointing a finger at me, remember those three fingers pointing back at yourself!
We can agree to disagree anytime and I'll still be cool with you...believe that!...smile
Don't take it so personally. I did not start this blog. I pointed out you started the blog. I am not trying to be high and mighty or say women don't lie. I even stated folks lie hence men and women.
Sounds like you are guilty of hurting some folks with a lie. But I disgress and agree to disagree. Just remember be prepared next time when you write about a touchy subject.
Just cause this is a family(a new one at at that) does not mean we will agree on everything. As long as there is respect.
And for the record if I ask you an opinion be truthful and tactful. LOL.
lol...ok Shai! here's a tip from your "acquired cousin or big brother", I promise you..I am not the lying type. More times than not, I am guilty of telling the truth and catching hell about it but yet I still do what's right.
I know that I egged some of you on a lil more, but thats because of the way the post started...I told dr girlfriend(as she is a friend of mine) that her first comment set the tone for taking the higher road.
We all don't always take the higher road and I certainly felt as though it went from all relationships, and focused on what men to do women!
As previously stated fam...we good!
DC we cool. I see you are a picker. LOL. Picking with folks to get them worked up. I see you are a playful one. Get to know me some more and you will see I can play too. LOL.
"A family got to stay strong,"
"Five fingers can build a mighty fist...this family got to be that fist."
Thanks to Mama Joe - Soul Food
Happy Friday Family!
yeah..i pick a lil bit...but um..im an alpha male darlin...and this is my house!
I gots to protect homebase!
awww..mizrepresent..that was really sweet.
I guess the white flag was thrown and the smoke has all cleared..the battle is finished....but the war rages on!..smile
Im so happy to see DC catch some fire ... he likes to write topics that could stir up conversation... the ladies didn't answer the way he thought they would and he was heated ... " did you ever tel;l your kids there was a a fucking santa claus ... HAHAHAHAHAHAH" My kids never thought a white man came to our house with nothing but bills but Im a demented bastard that liked torturing my toddlers with the truth .. ONE HUNNIT!!!
Welcome to the club DC ... now you are a real blogger .. this was your best post to me.. cause you finally got to see hwo things can terrible go wrong when you keep it real
um...that's not funny Cortney! Only cause we have along history of friendship will I not delete that comment of yours.
I didn't say the ladies didn't asnwer the way I wanted..I was merely attempting to guide the direction of the answers to the questions posed in the blog! I did get heated though! You are correct on that one!
But since we boys...guess what..F**k YO Couch, ni99a...F**k YO Couch!!!!
DC you are turning me on! I love a man that ain't skurred to say he is the Alpha Male when necessary-I love it.
"King Kong ain't got nuthin' on me"
-Denzel Washington, Training Day
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