Tuesday, March 6, 2007

oppositions to opposites attract theories

In order for me to be true to myself and my new found family of fellow writers, I have to extend sincere gratitude and appreciation for making me feel right at home. Thanks ya'll!!!

Now that I got that out of the way, let's kick it about a lil something something else.

IYMS alluded to it in a comment to Capcity yesterday regarding who we are and why we sometimes have issues with mates. It seemed too simplistic and I was like....dayum that makes a lot of sense. Then Rich tapped into a whole different kind of scenario referencing individualism in the home. I took a pause getting me to think that sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they repel . Do I want to have my alone time by the TV or do I want to watch it cuddled up? Are the movie I want to see and the movie she wants to see similar? Let's stay in..no let's go out! I was serious as hell when I wrote the blog about "who comes up with these rules?" I think my most avid rebuke of the rules had to be Cortney..head and shoulders above!! Straight up though, this isn't about rules, it's about whose going to give in the most. However, in a compromise don't we all feel a lil played if we didn't get it totally our way? That is wayyy too confusing to me!! Where does love take a stand? Is compromising considered a bitch move to a man?

In the getting to know each other, how the hell are you supposed to know some one's polarity? If the person ends up being Bi-polar we make out better cause they can come out of either bag and what was once a negative now becomes a positive! I know that sounds stupid, but let's just revisit our own comments twixt one another. If you have to constantly compromise, did you actually pick the right person? Isn't a "Soul Mate"...not that I advocate the use of the word..but just for discussion's sake mean that everything will fit into place without much effort? Impressive and thought provoking on so many different levels how we can pick what we think we want and end up with someone totally different. Ask yourself this, does our mate selection come from kindred spirits/like minded people? Artistic talents oftimes lend to eccentric personalities and who better understands us than people like us. I find myself asking, if I didn't date someone interested in what I wanted to do...would we run out of things to talk about...hmmmmm

Peep these thoughts and let's kick them around:

I really had a couple of simple questions that I wanted to bring up: Is your current relationship the person that you have the most in common with? Or how important is it that your mate loves what you do for living/hobby?

If that's not the case, do we run the risk of having another failed relationship or does "having our own thing" make it so that we don't have to constantly be around each other..thus creating a more peaceful environment.

As a confidante to both genders, I find that women tend to want to spend more time with their dudes...desiring to do things together. Male friends tend to lean more towards having a lil downtime with the fellas or off "doing me" time. I'm not saying women don't have the girls nights out. Just that some of the feedback that I get requires less time away than what I've gotten back from my homeboys.

Does that separate time bring a couple closer or give opportunities for outside influences to infiltrate and divide?

Tell me what you think...I'd love to hear male and female perspectives.


CapCity said...

By now, u all know that I'm not yet married. I am determined to hold on for "that click" because I do believe in SoulMates and miracles;-).
DC, I DON'T believe that SoulMate implies fitting into place without effort...anymore. As a youngstah, I thought most things would fall into place without effort, now that things are starting to fall all over the place, I'm learning the effort necessary to keep everything IN it's place.
I never had to "work out" to keep a girlish figure, but now that I'm no longer a "girl" I know that I have to work out & work intensely for the REST of my life. That fact no longer terrifies me, I've come to embrace it and look forward to the necessary work outs.
Athletes (or anyone successful in any field) should be aware that no skill or achievement comes without effort. Why do we expect our relationships to be any different?

KIKI said...

Ditto Cap...DC, you went there with this one...got my head spinnin...Cant speak on this one right now (for a change). I'll be back.

CapCity said...

And by the way, I also don't think TOTAL opposites attract, more like complements attract:-)

IYMS said...

Soulmates have a lot in common because, I believe "likes attract". Seldom do you hear someone come back from the first date excited because his favorite food is steak and hers is pizza. No, they get excited when they like the same things.

I'd like to think that at any given time the person that we are with (based on availability) has the most in common with us.

Our mate doesn't have to love what we do for a living/hobby just needs to be supportive. These areas bring balance and/or "me" time that's essential to any relationship.

He should have his agenda; she should have her agenda and they should have a common agenda. (Even married couples have at least 9 hours apart daily.) Retirees can kill a relationship by being home with nothing to do. Communicating each others agendas is important. With this, they bond thereby combating outside influences that may destroy the union.

Further, both must be 100% individuals. They can't expect the other person to "complete" them.

DC, these things topped with spiritual hedges can lead to a Happily Ever After Soulmate connection.

dc_speaks said...

wow...this is good stuff! Something for me to look at a lil deeper than the surface based on Cap and IYMS...

Mizrepresent said...

Good morning family! Wow! what a topic to wake up to! (lol) i think sometimes opposites attract, but that doesn't mean it will necessarily last. Case in point, when i was little, my next door neighbor's boy cousin used to visit, and every time he would visit, we would get into a fight. I was being tough, i fought back, until one day he made me cry. He then tried to soothe me, we kissed, my first kiss, and all of a sudden we were liking each other. Like i said, sometimes it works. But then again, if you meet someone and you are vibing with them, conversation flows, he/she got you smiling and laughing...then i'm thinking, maybe this could be the one...but oftentimes where we fail, resides in the questioning upfront and revealing likes, dislikes, habits, goals...in other words are we heading in the same direction. In marriage, you are going to have those times apart, and i consider some time spent apart, good for both parties, but when the time spent apart is greater than the time spent together...then that is trouble...marriages break up because of distancing, people evolve, change, peoples ideas, likes, dislikes may change overtime...it happens, and you wake up and that person you are lying next to is no longer the person you know, or may even want anymore. I think it is extremely important that my mate supports my dreams, encourages my endeavors, as i would do the same for them. I believe in many ways, soulmates exist, and i think you know it when you meet them, it's chemistry, it's almost effortless at first, but there is still lots of work to be done. I truly appreciate capcity,and iyms feedback...it made me think a little longer. Great topic!

Girly_Girl said...

I don't know where to start with this topic...it's too overwhelming! (In a good way, DC)

My husband and I are total and complete opposites. It works for us, but then again, we spend a lot of time away from each other. He is also the only man on the planet who truly understands and 'gets' me, even though we are so different.

Though we are so different, though, we do have the same ideas on child rearing and family issues. I suppose this is as important as anything.

I need to go think on this stuff for a while.

dr. Girlfriend said...

D,I applaud your poetic platform to reach both genders on important topics such as this one. I remember reading once that there were three important C's to a mate and relationship building: Chemistry, Compatibility, and Committment. These are not absolutes but significant attributes when I am exploring relationship possibilities with someone. We should remember that we often resonate with individuals for different reasons but one captivating feature will not be fulfilling in the long run. A complementary set of attributes are neccessary as Capcity mentioned. Some aspects of the individual will include "opposites" other aspects will include a "likeness" with the individual. A great balance of practical, exciting, adventurous, optimistic, concrete, abstract, risk taking, and conservative behavior among the couple would be ideal.

In communicating, both individuals should respect one another's opinion, dreams, ambitions, and desires for effective relationship building. I will end with a quote that appeals to me and I share the same philosophy,"We do not have to always agree but we should agree to disagree."

dc_speaks said...

excellent comments ya'll...if nothing else, I certainly appreciate when I see readers actually dealing with the topic of the post.

Each time I look at the differences and the similarities based on the gender,age and location of the readers, I find a strikingly similar note..even when we disagree...we are all open to reproach and correction.

I love it..all of you have impacted my perceptions on various aspects of daily living.

Although I may author the post, I become a student and reader of the comments left.


California Dove said...

well, relationships are based on how much or how little you are willing to conform to the needs of your mate. my hubby and i are different people, but our common ground is laugher.
to find the polarity, you need to test your mate. you will know in a matter of minuets if you have Billy D or Ike Turner.

CortneyGee said...

DC i wasn't arguing your point .. I was just making mine. I don't like rules I'm an anarchist. I know that I have probably screwed over my soulmate many years ago ..

I wonder if GOD makes you a backup model just in case you break the first one?

Lance said...

back in my 20's...these ladies comments would have been more than accepted by me and pretty much had me pussy-whipped with the hunny-do list and all that.

but today, hell to the naw!


all that compatibility stuff should be figg'd out loooooong before you hit the draws and she'll know. that's how "he" is...and you'll know, that's how "she" is. whatever the likes/dislikes

and that's that!

think about it. okay, i'm 41...let's say i get involve with someone the same age, hell...let's say 50 (don't knock it, oprah got it goin' on!)...anyway...that means i'm dealing with some with FIFTY YEARS OF LIFE EXPERIENCE....what da hell am i'm gonna do to have her to change....what? if she wants to hang with the girls, girl's night out at the club, book club reading, etc...go do it. if i want to hang out with the boys, play cards, talk shit and go to the titty club, i'm going...why? ...cause i like that! why should i change? it's all about trust and understanding.

most people get bent on their own insecurities and fear of "seeing" themselves in that situation of doing wrong or have "done" wrong in the past and it's coming back to haunt them.

remember that song by tank, "maybe i deserve"...

there ya go...