Monday, March 5, 2007

the most important person in the whole wide world!!!....IS YOU!!!

Over the weekend, I had some time to think about today's blogs! Originally It was going to be a ha ha, funny type of post but before I did that...I had to clear my head on some other things in this head of mine. I challenge everyone to look inside themselves and learn to be happier with who we are! Let's throw this one around the campfire!

I was pondering relationship patterns of future, current and past situations. Even in the course of a recent conversation, I was told that when romance is over, How do I get past it so fast? What is the deal breaker that allows for me to push on and get past people. I had to seriously give thought to both male and female relationships. What is the cut off point? Whose fault is it? When did things change? Was it really as bad as it seemed at the time? Was that person cheating, if so..what did I do create the setting? Why me?....wasn't I good enough? Was that person immature and did I just find out too late? Did I believe that my trust was misused? Was is that person just a worthless piece of sh*t? Is it worth it to maintain communication?

How does it look on the outside perception of my loved ones? If someone told me to beware of the relationship, would I have listened or tell them to mind their own business? Is it bad to put myself first sometimes? Or..Am I damaged goods?

The reality of having some of these questions raised regardless of whether it was a romantic involvement or with one of my boys helped me reach an epiphany! Like anyone else, I cleaned out my phone book several times over the last year. I've had some of my boys really try to do me dirty and for some reason I let some of those rotten Motherfu ****s stick around for even longer. Romantically, it was more difficult because the heart is open more and I probably didn't want to at first. However,a man's got to do what a man's go to do. My Biblical teachings say to turn the other cheek and to love my neighbor, butummmmmm...sometimes I'm admittedly not that Christlike in my approach.

This is a very touchy subject with some and may even help others. The purpose of this blog is to really get into the minds of where people are today. Single, Married, Male, Female, Heterosexual or any category....it matters not!!! It transcends romance and friendship, moving into self awareness and introspective acknowledgement. A serious look at oneself is great therapy! I once thought that me enhancing a woman that I was dating was only going to benefit the next man! Why not? Someone is doing that for me right now and they don't even know it. We all carry a lil bit from all of our past relationships. Why hate on the guy creating my perfect fit with his bullshit? He's only helping me out! Or why not help a brotha in need out this time? Maybe he will return the favor to someone else when/if he makes a come up.

Here's a thought: If you had one question that was burning inside of you regarding a past relationship(friend or romantic)that you wanted an answer for..what would it be? What is the single most "why"?

I'll go first: Why did my boy lie to me about why he needed to borrow some money from me, when I would have given it to him anyway, and when I found out the truth, hide from talking to me for the last 3 years?

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why don't I have the courage to end my relationship. Will it really get better down the road or does down the road (more money, bigger house, better car) just camouflage the fact that I'm really not in love.

Anonymous said...

Question: Why won't this man meet me half way on the issues that mean most to me? (Small sacrifice)
-TWG

Girly_Girl said...

Why do I always do all the work in a relationship?

In any relationship, with my parents, with my husband, with my children, I am the one who keeps everyone happy.

I wonder why this is. Great post, DC!

Rich in the Stl said...

I ain't ready to come out the bag yet. I got a lot of stuff to work out.

I'll do what Girly Girl does at my spot, sit this one out.

dc_speaks said...

i came back to check and im already like"wow"...

anon: if you dont mind me addressing it i'd like to touch on that. Firstly, havin the courage to end a relationship isn't always courage...sometimes it is fear disguised as courage. oftimes fear of change which is arguably one the the top two of major fears confines a mind to keep us locked in. getting better is simply a state of mind that has nothing to do with the material things that you referenced...just my opinion

TWG: meeting halfway isnt always necessarily the best thing. Pick your battles!!! even though he may not be meeting you halfway on some of your issues...does he go 90-10 on other issues for you. what you consider to be a small sacrifice is your perception, there is 2 people in the relationship...not 1!

Saadia..probably because like in most families, you are the glue that binds! I applaud you! I'm sure you do a fantastic job!

dc_speaks said...

rich...i can't believe you are sitting this one out. I know you really might not want to give the top burning question, but you gotta give up something brah!

Im counting on you dude! We have to continue to have a strong male presence!

Mizrepresent said...

Whew, do you know i have come back to this post 3-4 times, and this is the first time i decided to tackle this...i understand rich...it's kind of hard to come out of the closet...it can get deep quick..but i hey, after some thinking i thought i could let somethings out, without calling names, or perhaps jeopardizing myself, the rest i'll do anonymous (lol).

Why am i the rock of the family? (yeah, me and girly-girl one in the same here)

Why do i care if anyone likes me? (someone once told me i care too much about what others think of me...perhaps is true, but why?)

Why am i both a socialite and a loner? Outgoing and shy?

Now that's it for miz, anon will give some of the more deep stuff.

Anonymous said...

I guess you have a point! You know I wouldn't have broken it down like that. He is a good man! (smile)
-TWG

CapCity said...

Why do people seem to think I have such "unrealistic" standards? I just want to love and be loved in return without a lot of drama.

I asked my 25 year old nephew "Why is it so difficult to find a Brother who fits me? Several times I've been on dates and they have said I'm "different". Just because I'm vegetarian? Just because I like to read and write? What? I'm not really that different from anyone else."

His profoundly simplistic response, which continues to echo in my head two years after the conversation, "To YOU..."

...which leads to my next Why = Why can't someone tell me what makes me so different that lasting relationships with Black men are such a challenge?

Girly_Girl said...

Rich, Rich--the reason I'm always 'sitting out' is because I don't want to incriminate myself!!!

You know I love you!

Rich in the Stl said...

OK, DC called me out me so here goes.

Why do I feel the need to be viewed as cool, even amongst the younger generation. Why can't I just stand and be. (I was a former youth leader at church)

Why do I care how fine or cute my mate is? At the end of the day it's just she and I. Eighty percent of your relationship is spent behind closed doors, the other twenty is in the public eye, so why does that twenty percent matter so much?

Rich in the Stl said...

Here's a big one. How come you meet the woman who seems to have EVERYTHING you are looking for after you have said, I DO?

dc_speaks said...

Oh...ummm..Capcity, I love the comment but will refrain from comment unless you open it up for discussion.

Rich...my brotha, we are so much alike that its not even funny! I felt as though I needed the approval of my friends and family on the beauty of my previous relationships...(eye candy) if you will..

oh...and OMG...not only was it that some of the "perfect fit" candidates pop out of the woodwork after the fact, but they were not giving a damn about me kicking it with someone!

additional questions to be posed for comment from some of the ladies:

Why do ya'll go after a guy that you had no interest in at all after you find out that he is involved?

or

Is it more exciting to tempt brothas with a woman just because you think you can?

Girly_Girl said...

ooooooohhhhh, getting pretty interesting, Rich!!!

Here's one: why is the grass always greener on the other side? When you have stability and adoring partner, why is it more exciting to think about someone who is the total opposite?

Mizrepresent said...

Rich,

I'm sure u just didn't choose your mate cuz she was fine and cute, but for men, looks are usually the first attraction, and perhaps the lasting attraction if everything else is in place.

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

You like looking at your woman, you appreciate her cuteness, her fineness and perhaps everyday, you think to yourself, "dayum she's cute"...and thats a good thing, but of course, you don't want everyone else talking about her in a negative way, that's human, not a flaw. Now, DC, if you only choose them for eyecandy---then you may be as guilty as the brothers having only WWT- White women tendencies...in that case, ask why?

Now, the other Why? It happens, don't it, when we allow ourselves to think, what if? Once you open the what if box, you almost open a new door...that you will definetely have to close later...and possibly nail shut, if you want to stay happily married.

CapCity said...

DC Speaks, this IS YOUR blog entry that we're posting on so feel free to call me out or comment on my comments:-). I'll let u know when I can't take the heat;-). LOL!

Regarding Grass is always greener - I will admit that has a li'l something to do with my "singlehood". I know I would be ANGRY if the Brother of my Dreams presented himself AFTER I said, "I do." LOL!

CortneyGee said...

Ive come to realize that my biggest problem in relationships is that Ive been waiting for Pam Grier to make up her mind about me ... and Im not talking about L Word Pam neither I mean 73' Sheba Baby Pam.. seeing that is more than a fantasy and I can't go in the way back machine and holla at her ... hell in 73 I was 6 years old ( still thought she was the finest next to my mom of course ). So I think I have been holding my partners hostage until my fantasy came to fruitation and when they realize that they aren't the one they keep it moving ... and they have to keep it moving seeing I'm never amn enoughto break up ( yup another one of my fine faults .. I just be the entire ass that I can be until they leave .. how childish !!!)

The common denominatr in eve bad relationship you have is YOU!!

Even if the person was a complete fuck up YOU chose them .. what does that say about you ?

Anonymous said...

Courtneygee will meet his match, I'm sure. Will she dog him? I'm not sure. Maybe we will get to see he at that sprung point. I'm sure he doesn't think it will happen. We all can be sprung? Keep living Courtneygee, you may have to eat or swallow those words.
-Me

CortneyGee said...

oh I have ate and swallowed my words ten times over ... had the girlfriend that enjoyed kicking me when I was down and treating me as if I was the broad in the relationship... this jaded perspective didn't come out of no where ...

here's a thought how bout you post a pic let me see whom you are . If you are sexy and want to teach me a lesson I'll be your masochictic toy... Don't hide behind the cloak of being anonymous ...

Anonymous said...

CG,

I'm sexy and taken. Sorry to hear about your misfortune. Your queen will come. Too bad you can't go back in the day for Pam.

There are plenty of GOOD sisters out here. You have to make room and prepare for the one for you. Start fluffing your pillow and setting your table for two. It will come. You have to make a conscience decision to make it happen. Be ready!
-Me

CortneyGee said...

sexy and taken .. seems like all the goods ones are .. really not in the market was just being a wise ass ... but if i was looking prepared I would be ... When you get this age almost 40 you find a good one and there is somebosy out there that will profess that your good find is the worst person created ( another man's garbage truly becomes another man's gain... looking forward to the age of cloning ...)

Anonymous said...

Perfect timing Cortneygee. Here's a question. Why do brothers seemingly enjoy being single and women go out of their way to tie us down so that we can be as miserable as they were when they were single.

dc_speaks said...

um..i need to catch up but i definitely want to address Mizrepresent...I know that I dont come across as that shallow...so im truly hoping that ur kidding. I like what I like, but that doesnt determine who I love..eye candy is good but I go with my heart and not all of my ex's were knock outs...only some of them..and i did say that was past tense THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

ill be reading and thinking before i get into the rest of these comments..especially capcity cortneygee and whoever anon is.

excellent excellent campfire talk!

CortneyGee said...

i never understaood the I can change him girl mentality that some women have.... there are some dudes that no matter how appealing they may be in the wild will never be good or happy domesticated and tame ... thats the allure to alot of women the big bad wolf then when we show our teeth they are frightened or disgusted... I'm a wolf and I relish baring fangs !!!

CortneyGee said...

I believe Im guilty of being shallow when it concerns what i loathe but deeply entrenched in what i like ....

if she isn't fine while we are young damn how ugly is she going to be when nature does it's thing to us ...? If she is fat now whats makes me beleive that when we get older and less active she is going to become workout queen ...?

whats wrong with wanting eyecandy thats inteeligent and stable minded ... nothing but it's so hard to find a fine woman thats has her shit together mentally and emotionally.... GOD just doesnt seem to give us the complete package ... what do you blogger think?

Girly_Girl said...

Let's face it, Cortney is on point.

We're all animals, basically. Attraction is one of the main reasons our species has survived and thrived! Personally, physical attraction is very important to me. The physical aspect is what reels a person in! Loving their mind comes later.

Mizrepresent said...

DC, i did not call you shallow...remember i prefaced that with IF...i know you are not..i can tell from your writing, your blog, that you are much more than that, so take a deep breath and get ready for these other bloggers...i'm on your side (lol)..

CG - man, i hate to say this, but you sound like a bitter woman (lol)


DC, now back to your 2 questions, why do we want the man, when he is taken??? i've ssen that happened, and it has happend to me on numerous occassions, both when i got married, there were countless women coming after my man, and then later in life while i was married, it seems there were countless men wanting to get with me..., and the the series begins again, his play this time...i would assume it's thrill of the hunt...but in the end neither is the victor. I'm definitely not into OPPs, but i ain't gonna say it never happened, just saying i made a concscious decision not to.

KIKI said...

Here's how I see it. I've never understood that "I can make him change" mentality. If someone is an asshole when you meet them & you continue to see them, then some part of you (secretly or openly) liked that asshole quality he portrayed. If someone has a quality/qualities that you just cant deal with, you need to leave 'em alone. That what I did...to the extreme. Like CG I went on an abstenance kick, not for 78 days(lol), but 3 LONG YEARS (told you I took it to the extreme)...got sick of brothers lying and playing games so I swore off sex until I found someone who wasn't COMPLETELY full of sh*t. Which brings me to my personal question:

Why am I always willing to give 100% of myself in my relationships, even when I know its not appreciated?


Just something thats been on my mind for a while. Good blog DC.

California Dove said...

Why am I so critical of my husband? Why can't I appreciate the way he tosses popcorn in his mouth one-at-a-time! When if I asked, he would give me the whole bowl.

Why do I go into my kid's room to make sure they are breathing? My kids are 15,17,and 17.

Why am I afaid of turning 40?

Bottom Line: Who am I?

dc_speaks said...

ok...this has been very very informative..i doubt i can catch up but I definitely want to holla at Capcity since i didnt address it earlier.

Capcity, I don't know you but that doesn't change the fact that I have heard that same line a gazillion times...everyone looks at themselves through rose colored glasses for a long time...it takes a great deal of introspective concentration to get into why relationships fail.

I have the opinion that loving and being loved is not such an easy task anymore..think first abou tthe ratio of black women to men...extremely lopsided in the man's favor. I'm sure your a sweet person BUT being different will keep you by yourself. Men don't need the challenges right now...We have too many to pick from...Straight up! Seting the bar too high or having high standards is cool for more mature dudes, but if you're young and don't have a supply of young mature minded men in your area...you're hit.

Peep this, let's say there are 8:1 ratio where you are..one dude has many options alone...add into the mix 2 gay dudes..16 additional women...1 dude..24 women to pick from...hmmmmm and you think that sringent screening will work....F**k that!

Get an older dude if you dont find a younger one..to sum that one up!

CG: my ni99a...are u on a roll or what..Geeism's all around for everyone!!! you had waaay too many things to say to address black man. Your honesty and straightforwardness is exactly why we are boys...my hat goes off to you brah...

Saadia..I swear you're like one of my homeboys!!!Thanks MF! U keeps it real too!

Since I dont know who anon is, ummm thanks for your comments. come back with a profile or name or something..we want to know who you are and stop messing with my dude Cort Gizzle!

dc_speaks said...

Miz..I feel you on ur answering my questions but....OPP(other peoples....property...LOL is certainly an allure of sexuality that can't be explained at all.

Forbidden fruit syndrome is what got Adam and Eve!

KIKI..you just continue to amaze me..thank you girl for being you!!

CA Dove welcome to my spot..i appreciate the comment and you are:
You are the sum total of all of your experiences..the love the disappointments, the strength, the weaknesses, the hurt, the joy, and the excitement of things yet to come. You are Wife and mom,in essense...you are the embodiment of love to your loved ones. Keep coming around..would love to hear from you!

dc_speaks said...

Damn KIKI...u took 3yrs off..wow!!!

CortneyGee said...

MizRepresent ...
I was misterunderstood on this one ...

I would hope that my sometimes too manly ass would never sound like a bitter bitch...

I havent been hurt that much ... hell I had a girl kill one of my dogs and I was ok.. and my dogs are my heart ...

Now my eyes have been raped by my own reality ( thus the name the world according to Cortney Gee ) i see it my way ... i do it my way ..
I came on here today to stir up some conversation .. play the devils advocateso to speak.

Believe me DC would never dare say these things in response to ya'll.

I afforded him the chance to laugh at my sometimes profound opinions or idiotic attempts to be witty or sarcastic ...

now when it comes to relationships bare with me if I'm a lil hard was raised by the streets and had uncles that were players and pimps. Not that I'm claiming their visions as my own but I did get sprinkled with game early... funny thing if I was trying to holla at one of ya'll I would still keep it 100% and see what happened ...

Cort Gizzle " He who will chance it all ... just to say I got it my way"

dc_speaks said...

I know you were clowning Cort Gizzle (a lil bit)...hahahahah

theres always some truth even in a lie..LOL

we have a wonderful circle of bloggers/writers!

I truly am inspired and thank you all for the support and help to put me back on my writing track. I will keep em coming and will support all of you as well...put something up and I will read it!

Mad shout outs to the Lo Zoners and all my other new blogspot friends!

Mizrepresent said...

It's alright CG....i hope that this was somewhat meaningful for you and eyeopening....we are not all the same...in fact, we all want the same...haven't we all been hurt, damaged goods, and like on your other post, even damaged goods can seem like a treasure to someone..i believe and know this...so it's okay to speak the truth, really, do you, do your thang and be happy man, cuz nothings forever!

CapCity said...

Wow - it's getting hectic up in heah! DC - all's I can say is - tell a sistah something she DON'T know! I'm originally from DC (the city:-) - where men have ALWAYS had their pick of FOINE sistahs. I can't be mad at 'em.

Hell, I do know that part of MY issue is I was SSOOOO VERY spoiled in my early days of dating. Back in the day the numbers game didn't affect me. My friends and I would joke that statistics were the concerns of ugly women (before u say it I KNOW that was shallow/mean - but it is what it is;-).

In many ways I was no better than most male playas the women complain about. I never slept with multiples due to physical safety concerns (as a woman that's a whole different ball o' wax) - but I can say that I enjoyed a plethora of GOOD TREATMENT (not JUST sexually) by GREAT Brothers! Some were worth considering for long term, many were not. But, in my youth I felt the supply was endless for sistahs like me who have personality AND "get the window seat";-).

I do get frustrated sometimes because the supply has gotten lower - even for Sistahs with Options;-). But in all honesty I don't really regret the path I've chosen. Sure, we all would make "better" decisions if we could do things over, but generally I'm happy with my life. I'm actually glad that I did NOT choose to marry young. I do think that when I am SoulMated;-)...we will really appreciate what we have been blessed with - because we both will have lived amazing lives!

And Sistah Kiki - I never thought I'd be one to step away from the "table" - but I have also been on a "diet" to help me clarify MY wants/needs, etc. I haven't reached the 3 year mark and Lawd KNOWS I hope I won't have to. LOL! But, I have learned a great deal about me through that process, too (hmmm, sounds like a blog topic for
http://capcity4privateyes.blogspot.com/).

thanx for "listening"!

IYMS said...

I was so impressed with all the responses that I forgot my question? Keep up the great blogs DC! Your inspiration is catching.

KIKI said...

Capcity, stay strong girl. To be exact it was 3 years, 1 month, 2 days and 16 hrs (lol. yes, a sitah was keepin count), and while those were the three longest years of my life (whew, glad thats over), it was also a learning experience of self that I never would have had had I kept dealing with the men I let into my life. You get a real clear perspective of who you are, what it is you want it life, and just how much bullsh*t you're willing to put up with (because face it we all have to put up with someones BS at some point).

I used to look for love. The most valuable thing I learned thru my abstinance was to enjoy each day and if love comes...great. If not, oh well, on to the next one (refferencing my earlier comment that you shouldnt try to change anyone). While I dont know if I've found my soul mate, I did decide to give my 3 year virgintiy up to someone that I, for the most part, enjoy spending my time with. Soul mate?...maybe, maybe not. For now, it is what it is, and I'm ok with that.

So keep your head up Capcity. I know its hard (and I really hope you don't have to wait as long as I did...wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy), but its worth it in the end.

KIKI said...

That last comment I made, made me think of another question...

Why in the hell did my last two ex's feel the need (after I kicked their ass to the curb cause they wouldnt act right) feel the need to call me (after they've hooked up with someone else and decided to take on some responsibility) and tell me that I was a good woman and losing me made them realize that they neeed to appreciate a good woman when they have one? MF's...like I want to hear that shit...damn DC, did I say good blog? Well its still good, but you got me thinkin about some shit I really wanted to forget. But hey..f*ck em...I'm beter off.

OK and....EXHALE!

CapCity said...

Kiki - u r funnee as hale (country version of hell for the vernacularly challenged;-)!!

I hear ya! I know a couple of married male friends who tell me how miserable they are and then, "Why didn't we ever go out?" I laugh at 'em in my head as I think, "Cuz I saw your BS coming a mile away."

Again, I quote my girl Meshell, "I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude." Why so many people stay in joyless unions I'll NEVAH know. IT is NOT cheapa to keepa -if the cost is my soul!

If u're wondering why I keep in touch with the married brothers - good information comes from many sources - especially for this budding entrepreneur. Strictly Business from my perspective. Their wives have nothing to worry about from me - or maybe their wives wish I would help relieve that burden - but I can't help 'em. LOL!

KIKI said...

Amen, Capcity, Amen! When I think about it, most of my good friends are married men (their wives, too)and they have been the one's that have kept me from making some of the biggest mistakes of my life. I've always been one of the "fellas" (best way to find out how a man really thinks), so when they see me getting ready to f*uck up, they look out for me just like I was one of the homeboys.

Cool thing is, these are guys who originally tried to hit on me, instead of a love connection made the buddy connection, hooked them up with one of my friends, and they eventually got married (deep down still pisses me off I've set up 3 marriages and my ass is still single, but moving on...).

I've always prided myself on being a good friend and those who know me know I can keep sh*t to myself; so when they start having problems, I get calls from both parties. I get a first hand look at how both sides feel on a certain situation, give the best advice (if any) that I can, and make a mental note should the same situation arise in my own personal relationships.

What the hell was this blog about anyway? Capcity, are you my long lost twin?

IYMS said...

Capcity,

In response to your earlier comment about being "different", I'm sure it doesn't stem from what you alluded to re: vegetarian, etc. If you are a writer, which you appear to be, there is an artistic side of you. They may not be able to understand that immediately. If you are reading and writing then your dreams probably reach a greater span than do those of the average person.

Try not to verbalize that it is "so hard" to meet the right fit for you. There are plenty of good men out there. Just know that it has been challenging in the past but the search is on its way up! You deserve the best that life has to offer. Be specific in your prayer. Make room for your mate. God did not create over 6 million people worldwide for us to be home alone.

Sometimes we have to "release that desire" so that it will come to us. So pray and focus on something else. That special someone will come knocking at your door. Many blessings in advance!

CapCity said...

Kiki - I think we were also twins separated @ birth - or should i say triplets, because MizRep was our long lost triplet who got married & is now out of that one;-).

Thank u for the reminder to be careful w/my language, Sistah IYMS. I am more aware of it - but am thankful for reminders to keep the path of my blessings free of debris:-).

Thank u again, DC for such a controversial AND inspirational topic! This has definitely inspired more of my writings/thought flows!

dc_speaks said...

wow...this is wonderful...i leave for a lil while and still have guests in the house...lol

ya'll are the best!!! thank you so much for your comments on this blog!

Khoney44310 said...

I know most are speaking of male/female relationships. I would like to move to a sibling relationship. I wonder why my older sister feels the need to compete with me. I would think I was imagining it, if it had not been noticed by others. Sometimes I feel it's because we just look too much alike. People often mistake us. We're not twins. Just one of those things that make you go hmmmm.

CapCity said...

oooohhhhh, see? khoney - u just started another "ball o' wax" melting in my brain...so many thoughts so little time to write about them all - AND I need to clean this filthy home of mine...But khoney - I am the youngest of 4 and FEEL ya 100%! I don't think I'll blog on it, since my sisters do read my blogs - but there's a tale to be written under "fiction";-)...

Khoney44310 said...

Here's one for the parents. I wonder why it seems that there seems to be more value placed on the boys in my family than girls. That really sucks growing up, feeling that your brother is worth more than you.

Mizrepresent said...

Okay Kiki and Capcity, for me...it's been over a year and one "Ooops"...i don't count the oops though, not really, if you know what i mean...i'm still counting.

KIKI said...

Miz, lmao @ your "ooops"(although I'm sure you didnt find it funny at the time). I think Capcity was right...the three of us are triplets.