Thursday, August 9, 2007

Remote Control Relationships...part 2

Hey, fam. Part two of this series focuses on the factors that allow for men and women to exert their will over their mate in a way that would normally seem gentle, kind and sweet. It will discuss a few of the methods used by some to keep their unknowing victim "in line" even when they aren't in their presence.

We can highlight the obvious on both sides of the fence and then delve a little more into the not so obvious.

One of the smoothest ways to exert control is by using "passive aggressive" behavior patterns. It is very possible to overlook this type of control because it comes across in such a discreet fashion.

Maybe I'm right or maybe I'm not. If I can shed light for someone still stuck, then I feel better.

The way that I have used it in the past and also witnessed it was even in asking the question.."Can I ask you a question?", another is when I intentionally projected my thinking to lead the conversation. Speaking loud and drawing attention is a common tactic. Additionally, when I wanted someone to do something, I would assume that they would do it, and in a hurry at that. Just because that's how I am. When I used to make cd's, I wanted to solicit opinions from my friends by giving them a sample...I almost never bothered to ask if they would do it or even if they had time. I went on with my merry music making self and kept it movin.

At the surface, it seems like rudeness. But, on a deeper level, it only feeds into a self serving attitude.

Once in a while, I come in contact with a true Misarcissist. Those individuals will start off making suggestions in such a fashion that it really doesn't seem like a demand...but it certainly is. The innuendos are so subtle and woven into general conversation that when directives are given(followed with a form of ultimatum...of course) the recipient never even knew what hit them. The politely delivered demands are highly effective in most relationships, because of the self esteem...or lack thereof on either side.


There are so many examples and I just used a few. Even when someone is aware of being"controlled" by their significant other, it's hard to see it for what it is and we tend to make excuses to cover up. Mastering the art that I like to call" flipping the script" is an under-rated form of hypnotism. Used efficiently, time elapses or moving out of town still make for interesting situations. The feelings of guilt/shame that can be asserted by the self absorbed person on the victim are real...thus they are being "remotely controlled."

The purpose of these posts are to recognize the patterns and give ourselves a fighting chance at falling back in love with ourselves. Not being defined by what another individual's influence over us projects, but by knowing and loving whom we are.

This is part 2 of a series on the remote control Relationship Felon patterns. Stay tuned for regular updates.

It is extremely important that we not only change the channel of behavior, but that we also grab the remote and shatter it into millions of pieces...before we simply fade to black...

Anyone care to shed some additional light? The floor is yours.

15 comments:

Andrew The Asshole said...

Great post... I usually gently ask people to do things and expect that they will do it because I asked and wasn't demanding. At least on the surface. I like to think of it as leadership not manipulation.

These skills work sexually as well as socially.

Every person has something that motivates them... Give it to them and they will walk over fire for you.

Nic said...

Thanks for the tips...Muahahahahah!

KIKI said...

Seeing as how I just got done dealing with a misarcissist (lovin that word, by the way), I definately got a comment for you...I'll be back when I can figure out how to put it down without offending anyone...don't want nobody poutin saying I'm bashin them and all that ish...LMAO!

Ticia said...

I was in a controlling relationship and didn't realize it until it was over....

he was totally manipultive, rude, and hurtful..... I am ashamed... to admit that I was plain stupid because he said the words with such ease I didn't realize what was happening to me---

DurtyMo said...

LOL@ANDREW.. I will keep that last sentence in mind. Dayum. But I can't and I won't on this topic. Even when people are slick tongued and evil-willed I pay them zero mind. I'm good for saying yea I hear you but really I'm just staring off into space.

Colorful Mind said...

ticia-
Do not feel ashamed we have all been there one time or another. What i see more often than not is the puppet becomes some else's puppet master; it is sad when the abused continue the cycle.
It is important that you love yourself, if you cannot love yourself how can anyone love you let alone respect the special person you are.

T.C. said...

i can say i was the "misarcissit" in my college relationship...can we say "MEAN" it wasn't until my best friend told me "you are straight, nasty, maniuplative, and embarassing to him and especially YOU" that i checked myself...

man i was a dominating little thing, but it was all about NOT being my mother and NOT letting someone walk all over me, and in the mean time i walked all over someone else...now what kind of shiggidy is that...

totally had to look at self and get out of that phase...i was ashamed, but i learned from it, gew from it, and have become a better person after i did my personal evaluation!

it was one of those "dag im really not a perfect as i thought" moments in life...

now the key is NOT allowing someone else to do that to me

So...Wise...Sista said...

Passive aggressive tactics arent as passive as one would like to think. It's straight annoying.

I prefer the Pls/Thank You method, but that seems to be considered ole skool. lol

CreoleInDC said...

HEY YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lisa q. said...

i've been waiting for this one! nicely done...the point i'm so glad you made is that the person being controlled often doesn't even realize it...in my marriage, i didn't...not until it began to fall apart...in the end i saw that he had controlled every single part of my life...

the other thing that i think is important to note is that many times the control comes in the form of gifts...or at least things that look like gifts...for example, when my ex started taking over my bills, i thought he was trying to be helpful...what he was really doing was putting me in a position where i would become dependent on him...then, he thought, i would be unable to leave...

great post!

neshia said...

CAN I USE THE REMOTE TO MAKE MY FRIEND MOVE OUT TOWN

KIKI said...

AHEM...EXCUUUUSE ME!

It's 11:30am on a friday...WHERE IN DA HALE IS POTLUCK FRIDAY?!

OK...I didn't mean to yell...hello?...hello?...well wtf!

LOL

dc_speaks said...

sorry for my absence yesterday, the comments made were amazing and heartfelt.

another PSA is coming soon

@ticia: you get an extra big brotherly hug.

Ced.It/Meant.It said...

BLACK MAN, SPEAK! The subject matter is right on time...and a wakeup call for me. I've been the victim of a "Misarcissist" (married one) and broke free of the foolishness only after the other side of her split personality showed its ugly self a few years after we wed. The good part is that I learned how to see that type from a mile away; the bad part is that I hurt a few people who only appeared to fit the profile before I knew any better. The knife can cut both ways and remain deep even years after the "remote control" has been destroyed. I'm glad to know that there is hope and that the victim doesn't have to become a victimizer in the aftermath.

Great post, man!

Shelia said...

I don't like being in a relationshp where either person feels like they have to be the one in control. I can be controlling and for some reason I don't like a man who allows me to control. Yes, do what I say, but don't let me control you...lol

Seriously, great topic.