Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Life note

Today was a not so good day. It's been a long time since I've posted a blog, so why not today?

Let me start by saying that I have to be honest with myself before I can be honest with everyone else around me.

Life can be incredibly stressful. So stressful in fact that with the right(or wrong) set of circumstances, a life altering or ending decision can be made that affects more people than you realize. I've been there. It's not a good place to be. Those that have to deal with the emotional fall out will never be the same, nor will they treat you the same.


I thought I would miss how things used to be so black and white. Grey is where I live right now. Grey skies. Grey, grey, grey. The rain in my city that has been non stop for the past week is a mirror of how I'm feeling. Yet, I had an epiphany while I walked for several miles in the dampness of a fog which can only be described as the taste of dew in the forest when it gets stuck in your throat. A walk. No destination. Just right foot, left foot, right foot. No thinking. Oblivious to everything but stop lights and traffic signals. It was daunting and purifying simultaneously. Why haven't I ever felt like this before? Did standing on the brink of the unknown open up senses that I once thought had abandoned me? What does it mean to have clenched teeth and fists without anyone to be angry with, but yourself? Who does that? Am I crazy? Have I been projecting my anger onto those in my circle? Probably so. Fuck!

People passing by reminded me that as much I wanted to be by myself and in the moment, there are billions of people on this planet. Buses with the screeching sounds of brakes and the stench from exhaust fumes were irritations. And I have no idea why. Some young lady attempted to get my attention and as me " Are you a registered voter?" I replied with an affirmative response and walked away. Rude! and I didn't give a rat's ass.

I'm cold and my clothes are soaked. Coffee should help. Getgo is a block or so away. Walkin faster with a purpose. Left foot, right foot, left foot. "Fuck you, dude" I need the french vanilla dispenser. I pour a cup, it spills. WTF?! Schleprock or Murphy's Law. The frozen chicken should be thawed out. ESPN on the little TV's are saying Cleveland's NBA lottery picks don't mean shit. True dat. Random thoughts.

It's cold in this motherfucker. They have the AC on. UGH! Two(24)oz cups later, I'm out.

$2.25 to get on the RTA. For one way? Rip off! Bitch, I don't want to hear your entire cell phone conversation. And she's wearing pajama pants. Punk ass kid. It's fuckin forty something degrees outside.

Three streets from the house. Heart racing. Anxious. Nervous.

I have forgotten how to talk from the heart. Punk. Grow a set of balls. I used to be able to do that pretty easily. What happened? Fuck. Shit. Damn.

Orange light is on.

I got nothing. I.am.still.a.fucking.coward.

Uncoventional road to discovery that still has me petrified.

Open the door. Open your mouth. Man up.

I have a headache.

Love life, love me, love friends and family, love her.

Still cold. Skitty is warm.

Lost.

4 comments:

Lo said...

This was very brave. Kudos.

Judgemental said...

I enjoyed reading your post.

Mlvlatina said...

Raw, honest, and well written.

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